How Artistic Expression Builds Lifelong Confidence with Tony Dufresne

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Creating a level of independence and autonomy within the kid is just

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about empowering them to be them.

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And that's true confidence.

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True confidence is not about being competent about stuff

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and knowing everything.

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God, no.

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You know, nobody knows everything, right?

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But you know, people think that they have to.

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It's about just being cool with yourself and, and your foundation

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and accepting it warts and all.

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And it, and the best thing, the gift you can give anybody and kids and, and

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the reason why I do what I do and I talk to my clients all the time is because

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that's the one thing I want to give them.

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I want to give them what I already see in them that they don't see in themselves.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Is the fact that they have this power.

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It's incredible.

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Today's guest is Tony Dufresne.

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Tony is a confidence coach for women and his journey really started

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when he became a single father at age 27 to his daughter, Rachel.

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You are not going to want to miss this episode.

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Make sure you stay tuned.

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Hey, my name is Kat.

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And I'm Lee.

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And welcome to the

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Wildly Wealthy Life Podcast.

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In this show, we explore the journey of what it means to live a truly

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exceptional and fulfilling life.

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Each episode focuses on how a foundation of brilliant minds and

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brave hearts nurtured through the arts leads to lifelong success.

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Get inspired with actionable tips to foster a growth

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mindset, leadership values.

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And creativity and children and adults turning their potential into lasting

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contributions for their communities.

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We hope that you embrace the challenge to shift your perspective as we

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equip you and the next generation for a

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wildly wealthy life.

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We had an incredible time with Tony.

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And, uh, what was your biggest takeaway from that episode?

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First of all, Tony, if you're watching, thank you for sharing

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your story and coming on again.

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I was very moved and impacted by seeing your life in full circle, almost.

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The inspiration that your grandfather gave you when you were young, and

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that support, and how your life has evolved to a point where now you can

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be that support for your grandkids.

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And, The impact that you have and all the learning that you've had, uh, for

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your clients, the people that are going to be listening to you and watching you,

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there is a magic that is there, and I really thank you for being vulnerable

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and sharing your story with us.

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Yeah, and what I really loved was he had some really amazing insight on how to.

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As an, as a parent or as an educator or as a caregiver, how to raise kids

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with creativity from such a young age that could set them up for success for

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lifelong success and the insight that he had on that was really impactful for me.

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And so we can't wait to just share this episode with you today.

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Tony, thank you for being with us here today.

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Um, I really love just your story about you and your daughter,

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uh, Rachel, and I know that you learned a lot about confidence.

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from her.

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But aside from that, I know that, you know, you are the

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confidence doc, which is amazing.

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I love it.

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And I love that you are just so boldly teaching this and empowering women in a

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space where it's usually women who teach, you know, about women's confidence and

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you're in this space, which is amazing, which we want to dive into later.

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I know Lee has some questions about that, but what other things have

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you learned from being a woman?

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And, you know, especially in the leadership skill area.

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All the things I've learned, you can't fit in at 45 minutes.

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You can't even fit that into a day.

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Right.

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I mean, that's, you know, as a parent.

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Right.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Of course.

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Yes.

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But the, you know, the thing is, is that that was, I found it

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extraordinary because at the time I was 26 or so and we had Rach, um, and,

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uh, I got, it was like a hot minute.

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I was divorced right after that.

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And it so happened that I had her.

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Like all the time.

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I wasn't supposed to be like that, but it all of a sudden I was a

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single dad and I had sisters, but you know, it's as any woman or man

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knows, uh, so it's just a woman.

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A lot of men don't realize this, but a woman's world is so much different,

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completely different than a man's world in terms of just Perspective

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and the way systems are set up.

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And so, uh, having to navigate that as not, not only as a new

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dad, but as a dad of a daughter.

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And, uh, it was so nuanced and she taught me so many things.

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You know, I was always very matter of fact, I was always very

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linear in my approach to things.

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And with a daughter, you can't really do that.

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Not only because we're going to talk about art, right?

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And self expression, not only was she a girl and a daughter, but she

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was, she's a theater girl, right?

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She's a singer.

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She's, she's an artiste.

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It's like a triple layer of stuff.

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And, and of course I was, I mean, I grew up, uh, you know, playing guitar.

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I was a musician.

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I did a little bit of acting until I realized it's not for me at all.

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But, uh, but I was always a musician at heart.

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So I had a little bit of that, but not even close to, you know, what she has

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in terms of artistic self expression.

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And so through that and through seeing that and through.

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Understanding the differences and the nuances in life and the perceptions that

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happen because, uh, because not only as being a daughter or a girl, but also

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being very artistic and very dimensional in her thinking and her approach to

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life taught me so much, really opened me up to being a way better parent.

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I mean, that was, that, that created everything on my foundation.

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That moved me into the direction of working with women and working with

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women specifically with confidence because I, because she taught me that.

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And in, and in response to that, we sort of worked this out together.

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I always tell my women clients, I'll never be able to empathize.

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Cause I'm not a woman, but I can certainly sympathize and be as

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big of an advocate as I can be, uh, from a girl, dad perspective.

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And so that's my approach to my clients and my approach to my grandkids now and

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my granddaughter, uh, and I'll still my approach, uh, to my daughter as well.

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And we're just, we have a very great, happy tribe and, uh,

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you know, every day is amazing.

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Tony, one, one thing real quick here.

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How are you a grandfather?

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You do not.

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Thank

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you.

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It's amazing.

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I appreciate that.

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. Uh, it, it, a lot of filters on the camera.

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A lot . Gotcha.

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Seven layers.

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The foundation I learned from my daughter.

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Are you real

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or are you AI

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, Tony: right?

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Yeah.

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It's, it's all ai.

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Have you seen that new ai?

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Not to digress, but man, that new AI is just incredible.

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It's like a real person, right?

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I was very lucky because genetics in my family and my

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mom always looked like she was.

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35 years younger.

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And so I just, I'll just roll with that.

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Yeah, that's good.

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I did have a question though, because some of the most like beautiful

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things or works that, um, we as humans like create and whatnot, usually come

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from a source of, um, pain, struggle, some kind of like conflict and whatnot.

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And obviously you kind of went over it real quickly, but divorce is like a

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splitting, you know, a separation, uh, that not, uh, Many people really spend

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a lot of time on delving into the pain that's really associated with that.

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I, too, years ago, uh, was divorced, uh, after about a year change of,

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of marriage, and there is just a deep cut that that, that is.

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And then to add on top of that, your responsibility was raising a daughter.

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Raising her, what were some of the things that you, you experienced, that

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you witnessed in, in watching your daughter grow, some of the struggles

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that she had, that even made this idea of being the confidence stock?

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Like, what were the.

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the ground level things that really shook you to help want to,

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like, make this change for people.

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It's so true that pain and despair and being at the bottom of the well

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really brings on the creativity or the, or the yearning for expansion.

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I mean, it's either you give up and you just sit there and rot away and

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spin an ashtray in the corner of a dark room, or you do something about it.

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And with me, it was a double edge.

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It was like a double kick to the gut because not only was I divorced and

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you haven't going through that, that separation and, uh, that rejection.

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And of course I had just my own child trauma stuff, all of that poke that bear.

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Like that was the big red button.

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So it made that bad.

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Plus the fact that the one thing I did not want to do as a parent was to put

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my child through a separated family.

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I did not.

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I mean, that's the last thing, because I never knew my real

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dad and I had issues with.

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You know, all that stuff.

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And the one thing I didn't want to do was the exact thing that now I'm involved in.

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And in that process, what I did was I, and I'll, and I'll just

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did, my daughter knows this too.

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I, I overcompensated because I felt I had to, because not only was I dealing

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with that stuff, at the same time, Rachel's mom wasn't showing up as a mom.

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And so I felt as though I had to wear.

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Two roles.

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Yeah.

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And I had, and, uh, and so, but I think that overall that really shaped me.

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It shaped my mentality.

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It really took me to school again, in terms of figuring out what I need to do.

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And the fact that this, this other world is a lot more nuanced than 26 or

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seven years that I did up to that point.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And with that, you know, in psychology, we call it flooding and flooding

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is, you know, like if you're afraid of spiders, they put you into

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room full of spiders type thing.

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Yeah, that was flooding for me because it was either you, you sink or you swim.

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And that shaped everything moving forward because I was a finance major.

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And, you know, going through college and I, it was in doing real estate stuff.

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And it wasn't until I went through that and realized and learn and had to read

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books and went to therapy that I realized that that's really what I want to do.

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And that changed everything.

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And that got me to go when I was 29, I decided to go back

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to school and Pepperdine waves, go waves, go waves, right?

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So that's, that's when I went back to Pepperdine and, uh, got my

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master's in psychology because I felt as though that was my calling.

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And I could, and the only way I could have gotten to that point was through

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my daughter and through the situation.

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And so as much as, Stuff happens.

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That's just crappy stuff.

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You know, it does lead you to something if you're open to it.

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And that's the mentality I take, you know, to this day.

Kat: 00:11:24

Yeah.

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Is there anything in your upbringing, especially like in the realm of the

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arts, because you said, you know, you play the guitar, you love music.

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How has creativity Kind of paved the way for you to, you know, when

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you became 27 and you got divorced and now you're a single dad, you

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know, uh, how does creativity play into you stepping up into that role?

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And actually, instead of, you know, sinking, you actually learned how to swim.

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Right.

Tony: 00:11:52

Right.

Tony: 00:11:52

Yeah.

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Uh, creativity is one of the most powerful tools you can have.

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Uh, not only is it just a tool from an ex like sharing.

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Like an experiential thing, you're sharing it with other people and getting them

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involved in creating an environment of self expression and self acceptance,

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but it's also, you know, inner self acceptance and self expression as well.

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I mean, it's, it's, it's a perfect blend of both of those and having

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the creativity that I did and.

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Like I said, I wasn't like the theater kid or anything.

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I just, I enjoyed music and I always just had an ear for it and loved it and

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was in bands and all that fun stuff.

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But it wasn't until having my daughter and having her be such a theater

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kid, uh, and that, uh, that I, that became a bond with both of us.

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In me prepping her for her singing contest, in me, you know, us reading

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lines together, in, uh, in her going over her songs ahead of, and so

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me, you know, correcting her pitch and, and, you know, giving her some

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feedback and thoughts and stuff.

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It became a huge connector, to this day.

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It's one of the biggest connectors of myself and my daughter in terms of our

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relationship, because I feel as though, I feel as though creativity and, and

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self expression is one of, if not the most powerful forces in this world.

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And I have to tell you, I haven't met one single person that has that,

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and that expresses that, and that owns that, that isn't, you know,

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ahead of the curve in terms of joy.

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Having a good time.

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You know, everybody has their ups and downs and all that.

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But, uh, tell me, tell me it's not a bad thing that, that

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theater kids are like getting in groups and singing like anywhere.

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You can always tell where a theater kid is.

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And I just love that because it, and that's how powerful it is.

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It's moving.

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It's so powerful.

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I was in, um, South Africa recently in Johannesburg

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and, uh, flight got canceled.

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Had to go to a hotel, stay overnight.

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Then we came back.

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But when I came back, uh, the timing was perfect.

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Cause there was this like theater, I don't know if it's theater group, but

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there's a performance group and they're just ripping, I don't know if it's the

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South African, like, National Anthem or whatever it was, but they're just

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sitting there, stomping, singing, and, like, the, the, just the, the joy that

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shot through the airport, the terminal, people stopped, started clapping, the,

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um, the workers, like, all the people at the cash register and everything, just

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came running out, like, left the people at the counter, and came out and started

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yelling and just, ah, and just that.

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The energy that comes with the creativity and the voice and yeah, it's

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so it's so so powerful Yeah, I love

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that point.

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It creates a tangible force.

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It really does because you know, everything is energy everything is I

Tony: 00:14:40

mean, that's the you know, I'm a big quantum guy and and you know, my base

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is my you know Foundational stuff is based upon that and I feel as though

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that that is the most powerful energy.

Tony: 00:14:49

It's almost

Kat: 00:14:51

Mm hmm.

Kat: 00:14:52

Especially, I mean, there's all sorts of creativity, but for me, I may

Kat: 00:14:56

be a little bit biased, but there's something about music, you know,

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like there's obviously there's so many different types of creativity.

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Of course, movement.

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I love movement too, and all of that.

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But man, there's something about when you put together movement and

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music that is just the, I feel like that that joy frequency that comes

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out of that is through the roof.

Kat: 00:15:15

At least that's how I feel in my own practice.

Tony: 00:15:20

The research base is the fact that it releases dopamine, I mean, it

Tony: 00:15:24

releases the endorphins, and they've seen that music is as powerful as, you

Tony: 00:15:29

know, working out, or, you know, being in a joyous event, or, you know, getting

Tony: 00:15:34

married, I mean, it can move you and it can create those excited neural pathways

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to get you in a really good space.

Tony: 00:15:41

I mean, and that's, you know, that's, you know, they've researched that for years.

Kat: 00:15:44

Yeah, absolutely.

Kat: 00:15:45

I want to kind of go back into when you said that, you know, your

Kat: 00:15:49

father was absent in your childhood.

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What were some of the, you know, as you're growing up, you

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know, without your dad, right?

Kat: 00:15:57

Like being absent.

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I grew up as well without my parents.

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Not that I, they showed me that they loved me, but they were

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just not there physically, right?

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What were some of the, um, Limiting beliefs that you had as a child that

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you had to really overcome to step into the place that you are now.

Kat: 00:16:16

I mean, I know it's a process as we're growing up, but you

Kat: 00:16:19

know, what are some of those?

Tony: 00:16:20

Yeah, my situation was not to get way into it, but I had a step dad that

Tony: 00:16:26

I didn't even realize was my step dad because nobody ever told me because that

Tony: 00:16:29

happened when I was, you know, Two and a half or something until I was like 14.

Tony: 00:16:33

So there's this level of, you know, base of deception that's going on.

Tony: 00:16:37

Plus the fact that I was in a household that was, that had extremely

Tony: 00:16:40

strict boundaries that actually restricted levels of artistic and

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self expression, uh, because they didn't want to be embarrassed.

Tony: 00:16:49

Wow.

Tony: 00:16:50

Right.

Tony: 00:16:50

And, uh, and then there was a massive level of perfection because if, you

Tony: 00:16:53

know, it's one of those things where if I, you know, if I got a B plus

Tony: 00:16:57

that, that would be very disappointing.

Tony: 00:17:00

So it was always the carrot on the stick and you could never ever get the carrot.

Tony: 00:17:04

And so there was a level of perfection.

Tony: 00:17:07

The lack of it of acceptance for who I was as a kid, which always

Tony: 00:17:12

translates because kids just always, you know, take that upon themselves

Tony: 00:17:16

and that creates a level of, of, of lack of self acceptance of yourself.

Tony: 00:17:22

And then, and those are the things that in growing up very much restrict you.

Tony: 00:17:27

And I feel as though the, the music when I started doing it,

Tony: 00:17:31

which was, I mean, it started.

Tony: 00:17:33

playing guitar when I was eight, but it wasn't until probably in

Tony: 00:17:36

high school, oh, it was high school where I started with the band stuff.

Tony: 00:17:38

And then you start getting, you know, really self expressive and,

Tony: 00:17:42

and a little rebellious and whatnot.

Tony: 00:17:44

And I, and I realized that that was the way I was rebelling against that whole

Tony: 00:17:49

system that I was, that I grew up in.

Tony: 00:17:51

The walking on eggshells perfectionist, you know, self esteem stuff.

Tony: 00:17:55

And I, and the second that I was accepted within the realm of my bandmates and

Tony: 00:17:59

people having a good time when we went out to do gigs, that was it for me.

Tony: 00:18:03

That was like, talk about a drug.

Tony: 00:18:05

Oh my God.

Tony: 00:18:07

That was incredible.

Tony: 00:18:09

That's, that's how I got out of it.

Tony: 00:18:11

And that's why I just, I love the fact that when you got in contact

Tony: 00:18:15

with me and, and I knew what we were going to be talking about today, it

Tony: 00:18:18

was this, because it's again, it's the force is extremely powerful.

Tony: 00:18:23

And I just, I love talking about it.

Lee: 00:18:25

Wow, that's incredible.

Lee: 00:18:27

How often are you able to bring in that passion for music, the impact of

Lee: 00:18:32

music into your, your sessions with.

Lee: 00:18:35

You're the people, the women that you're working

Tony: 00:18:37

with every time I did because one of the first intake questions I asked

Tony: 00:18:42

them is, you know, what do you listen to?

Tony: 00:18:44

I mean, what do you do?

Tony: 00:18:45

What do you do for fun?

Tony: 00:18:46

I do, you know, is it dancing?

Tony: 00:18:48

Is it I mean, do you do anything like that?

Tony: 00:18:50

The amount of music or the what they listen to Is a huge indicator of

Tony: 00:18:55

mindset and if you want to be stuck in a in a bad situation Bummer mindset,

Tony: 00:19:01

then, you know, they're going to be telling me they're listening to

Tony: 00:19:03

some old sappy country stuff, right?

Tony: 00:19:05

Where the dog and the pickup truck are always leaving, right?

Tony: 00:19:09

So,

Tony: 00:19:12

yeah, I'd say so if that, if that's the case, it says a lot.

Tony: 00:19:16

About that, but I always, and then I used, I use, I almost do musical therapy

Tony: 00:19:21

along with the two other things that I, in fact, I think, Kat, I think we

Tony: 00:19:24

talked about this on the two shows about journaling and meditation that

Tony: 00:19:28

are incredibly, uh, effective in terms of getting you You know, getting your

Tony: 00:19:35

mindset straight and getting you aligned and getting your foundation set, I think

Tony: 00:19:39

music is another one of them, because if you want to get yourself in the right

Tony: 00:19:43

mindset, uh, start playing it, start getting it, start setting it up to where

Tony: 00:19:48

it benefits you, uh, and getting you, you know, Going in the right direction.

Tony: 00:19:53

So I use it with every single client.

Kat: 00:19:56

Yeah, that's amazing.

Kat: 00:19:58

And, um, when you were growing up and you're saying, you know, that you had

Kat: 00:20:02

such a strict upbringing and all, and then finding out that, you know, the

Kat: 00:20:07

dad that you thought was your dad was actually your stepfather at age 14, right?

Kat: 00:20:11

All of these things, obviously there's so many range of emotions and thoughts

Kat: 00:20:16

that can go through a child's mind.

Kat: 00:20:18

Uh, when you go through that, um, did you have any.

Kat: 00:20:22

Mentor that kind of helped you cope with that.

Kat: 00:20:26

Did you have any?

Kat: 00:20:27

And

Tony: 00:20:28

yeah, my maternal grandfather.

Tony: 00:20:29

Yeah,

Kat: 00:20:29

awesome.

Kat: 00:20:30

And what did he, how did he help you through that?

Tony: 00:20:33

He and my grandmother accepted me and, you know, welcome me and

Tony: 00:20:39

allowed me to, I mean, we had band practice in their garage.

Tony: 00:20:44

They, they allowed me to do that.

Tony: 00:20:46

They, you know, they allowed me to use their big old Oldsmobile Delta

Tony: 00:20:50

88, uh, to haul around the amps.

Tony: 00:20:52

He actually co signed at like, like Moody.

Tony: 00:20:57

I can't remember the music.

Tony: 00:20:57

It was an old music store in LA, uh, that we went up there and we bought this beater

Tony: 00:21:02

amp, you know, main amp system with a big speed, big, huge speakers, you know, back

Tony: 00:21:06

in the day, you know, they were just, everything was a thousand pounds and

Tony: 00:21:09

the speakers were like bigger than me.

Tony: 00:21:11

He actually co signed.

Tony: 00:21:14

The, the little loan that we had with them and, you know, we had to pay him

Tony: 00:21:17

like 40 bucks a month or something, but my grandfather drove up with us to LA

Tony: 00:21:22

and he co signed for, so we could have our amps so we could start playing gigs.

Tony: 00:21:26

So it was, yeah, there was, he was the saving grace, he and my grandmother.

Tony: 00:21:32

And, uh, ultimately I ended up.

Tony: 00:21:34

Uh, staying with them.

Tony: 00:21:36

I moved out of my right after I graduated high school.

Tony: 00:21:40

I actually stayed over there mostly.

Tony: 00:21:42

And then when I ended up going to San Diego State, when I always came back up

Tony: 00:21:45

to Orange County, which is about an hour and 15 minutes drive over the weekends or

Tony: 00:21:51

whatever, I would always stay with them.

Tony: 00:21:52

So I ended them.

Tony: 00:21:53

Staying.

Tony: 00:21:55

I ended up moving in with them because that was real.

Tony: 00:21:57

That was really my home.

Tony: 00:21:57

And I always considered that my home more so than my other house.

Kat: 00:22:01

It just speaks volumes to me because my grandmother was that for me too.

Kat: 00:22:06

Um, you know, my grandmother was the one who, you know, took me to my

Kat: 00:22:10

ballet lessons and my piano lessons.

Kat: 00:22:12

And, uh, Really encouraged me to, to keep with piano and when I wanted to

Kat: 00:22:18

quit, it was, she was there for me, you know, so that just you sharing

Kat: 00:22:21

that story just gives me that just a flashback of how amazing, um,

Tony: 00:22:28

right?

Tony: 00:22:28

Yeah.

Tony: 00:22:29

How important is that to be?

Tony: 00:22:31

Something to have that.

Tony: 00:22:32

And that's why I want, I wanted, always wanted that to

Tony: 00:22:34

be, you know, with my daughter.

Tony: 00:22:36

And I always want that to be with my granddaughter.

Tony: 00:22:38

I told my grandkids, uh, my granddaughter is 10 and my grandson is eight.

Tony: 00:22:42

And, um, she's playing violin now, which is super cool.

Tony: 00:22:45

But I always told him, I said, if you guys ever, ever, ever want to do music

Tony: 00:22:49

lessons or singing lessons, I got it.

Tony: 00:22:51

I got it covered.

Tony: 00:22:52

Just let me know, sign up, and I got it covered.

Tony: 00:22:55

Because it's incredibly, incredibly important, uh, to, I believe, to, for

Tony: 00:23:01

every single child to have music in their life in some form or fashion.

Tony: 00:23:05

Or, or, or singing, or, you know, anything like that.

Kat: 00:23:08

Yeah.

Tony: 00:23:08

What's it like,

Lee: 00:23:09

sorry, just jumping in, with, um, you had the experience of, Seeing your

Lee: 00:23:14

grandfather be this example for you, but now, you know, years later, you're

Lee: 00:23:19

being that for your own grandkids.

Lee: 00:23:22

What, how does that feel?

Lee: 00:23:25

Like, what,

Tony: 00:23:26

what are you pulling from that as, as you go through this?

Tony: 00:23:29

It feels awesome, and I realized that now I know why he was so happy.

Tony: 00:23:34

Yeah, because he's like, He always said, you know, both of them, my

Tony: 00:23:37

grandmother too, she was awesome.

Tony: 00:23:39

And they always said, you know, being grandparents the best.

Tony: 00:23:41

I'm like, okay, yeah, whatever.

Tony: 00:23:42

You know, you're older and you know, you're slower and you move around.

Tony: 00:23:45

You get to, you feed, you know, you let me have more candy than my

Tony: 00:23:48

mom and dad, but you know, what's, you know, what's the difference.

Tony: 00:23:50

But then you get to be a grandparent and it's, it's just the greatest.

Tony: 00:23:55

Because you're, because you're not in that position where you need to be good

Tony: 00:23:58

cop and or bad cop, uh, you're in a position where you can be supportive

Tony: 00:24:03

and you can also be in a position where you can be a friend, but not a friend.

Tony: 00:24:06

If that makes sense.

Tony: 00:24:07

You can be somebody that's, that's there and listens and ask questions and, uh,

Tony: 00:24:12

and gets them to be involved in something where you guys can be a team on something,

Tony: 00:24:17

uh, without having to straddle the parent.

Tony: 00:24:21

Line because sometimes with the parent line, it's hard to do that

Tony: 00:24:25

and keep the boundary where you need to have it because a lot of parents

Tony: 00:24:29

nowadays are trying to be the best friend and that doesn't work at all.

Tony: 00:24:34

I think we've seen the results of that, uh, you know, so that way, but

Tony: 00:24:39

the grandparent can be, uh, without, without undermining, uh, the parents.

Tony: 00:24:43

So that's, that's why I absolutely, and I take that from

Tony: 00:24:46

my grandfather and my grandmother.

Tony: 00:24:48

Because all I'm, all I'm doing is really just emulating and modeling exactly what

Tony: 00:24:54

I was taught by them in terms of, here it is, the number one thing, being present.

Kat: 00:25:00

Yeah, that's really great.

Lee: 00:25:02

With the modeling aspect, I just was thinking back, um, after you had

Lee: 00:25:08

your separation, you're raising your daughter on your own, not to go back

Lee: 00:25:10

too far, but with, um, I have this TV show, This is Us, in my head.

Lee: 00:25:18

There's this awesome scene where, uh, this mom, she takes in, um,

Lee: 00:25:23

African American or a black kid.

Lee: 00:25:25

And then they're at the pool, and she ends up going to these, um, black moms to

Lee: 00:25:29

kind of figure out, like, what do I do?

Lee: 00:25:31

You know, and just connecting, um, through that.

Lee: 00:25:34

process.

Lee: 00:25:35

Did you have like female mentors that were kind of helping you with

Lee: 00:25:38

raising your daughter or what?

Lee: 00:25:39

How did you figure some of that out?

Tony: 00:25:41

My mom did help.

Tony: 00:25:43

Yeah, a lot.

Tony: 00:25:44

It just, she was, as much as I was in a very strict environment at the

Tony: 00:25:49

time, uh, growing up, uh, she was very good at setting boundaries.

Tony: 00:25:55

She was very good at prioritizing, you know, levels of, Discipline without being

Tony: 00:26:00

overboard at what she wasn't the issue.

Tony: 00:26:03

The big issue with me growing up.

Tony: 00:26:04

Uh, she was complicit in a lot of that, but she wasn't the main gig.

Tony: 00:26:09

It was the step dad.

Tony: 00:26:11

So she taught me a lot.

Tony: 00:26:12

She actually helped me a lot with my daughter.

Tony: 00:26:15

At the time, and for me, and you know, people say, Oh, teenagers

Tony: 00:26:20

are the worst, or, you know, they're hardest and most of it.

Tony: 00:26:23

I felt as though the first two, three years were the most difficult, uh, with

Tony: 00:26:28

the infant, they can't talk, uh, and it's a girl and there's different things.

Tony: 00:26:33

And I was like, I don't know.

Tony: 00:26:35

So my mom was really good.

Tony: 00:26:36

And at, in the early years, she really did step up and help out a lot.

Kat: 00:26:41

That's

Tony: 00:26:41

awesome.

Lee: 00:26:42

As I, um, I've got three different nieces, and they're

Lee: 00:26:46

all at different stages.

Lee: 00:26:47

One's, um, looking at colleges, one's in, uh, she just had her

Lee: 00:26:52

homecoming dance two nights ago.

Lee: 00:26:54

And then, um, The other one is in eighth grade and it's just awesome

Lee: 00:26:58

watching them at different stages, but it's, you know, that, that outside

Lee: 00:27:01

perspective, sometimes it's, it's great.

Lee: 00:27:03

I haven't experienced raising a daughter, but seeing things that they do is

Lee: 00:27:09

watching my, you know, my sister and my brother raise them and making different

Lee: 00:27:14

decisions and trying to balance that line of being a friend, being, you

Lee: 00:27:19

know, a parent and having to lay down the law at the same time, balancing

Lee: 00:27:23

that with, you know, another like her.

Lee: 00:27:27

Her ex coming and having say on different things.

Lee: 00:27:30

It really complicates.

Tony: 00:27:33

Yeah.

Tony: 00:27:33

Again, that's a whole other show.

Tony: 00:27:35

Um, yeah, with, with the, especially with an ex or a co parent and I use that term

Tony: 00:27:40

loosely, but, uh, that is not on board.

Tony: 00:27:43

The same page at not on the same universe as you and I found myself a lot, which is

Tony: 00:27:48

the reason why ultimately I had reached like 98 percent of the time because we

Tony: 00:27:52

tried to do the split thing and then every time that she came back to me,

Tony: 00:27:56

I'd have to deprogram her or, you know, like, Set her back in terms of a solid

Tony: 00:28:00

foundation from the absolute dumpster fire that was happening at the other place.

Tony: 00:28:05

Because Rach, Rach as a kid, she didn't understand the differences in terms of

Tony: 00:28:10

the way that the households were set up and the boundaries and the systems that

Tony: 00:28:14

were or lack thereof that were in place.

Tony: 00:28:16

And so she came back and, you know, kids just Kids just roll, right?

Tony: 00:28:21

I mean, their whole, their whole reality is just like as far as

Tony: 00:28:24

the nose in front of their face.

Tony: 00:28:26

And so they just keep in, so when they get to the back to a place where

Tony: 00:28:28

there's expectations, you know, all of a sudden it's just, you know,

Tony: 00:28:33

it's just, it's crazy to rope her in.

Tony: 00:28:35

It's like herding cats.

Tony: 00:28:36

And so no pun intended, right?

Tony: 00:28:38

Is

Kat: 00:28:39

this where, where the book came from?

Kat: 00:28:41

Surrounded by idiots?

Tony: 00:28:43

Yeah, well, yeah, that was, there are, let me just

Tony: 00:28:46

say without pointing fingers.

Tony: 00:28:47

Yes, exactly.

Tony: 00:28:48

That's exactly where it

Kat: 00:28:51

came from.

Kat: 00:28:53

That's hilarious.

Lee: 00:28:56

I was like, it's that or maybe.

Lee: 00:28:57

He watched Spaceballs and there's that scene where Darth Helmet is like.

Tony: 00:29:02

I 100 percent yeah, Darth Helmet is, is a, I'm a huge fan.

Tony: 00:29:07

For the record, that's a classic.

Tony: 00:29:09

Young Frankenstein is my favorite, but Spaceballs is top three.

Tony: 00:29:13

Well,

Kat: 00:29:15

I just want to kind of go back to what you said.

Kat: 00:29:17

Cause you know, when you, when Rachel comes back to you, right.

Kat: 00:29:21

And you're like, well, I have to set her again in a, in a solid

Kat: 00:29:24

foundation and all of that.

Kat: 00:29:25

Yeah.

Kat: 00:29:26

What do you think as, what would your advice be to parents, um, uh, when it

Kat: 00:29:32

comes to, you know, the desire to, to raise them into children who grow up into

Kat: 00:29:38

adults with brilliant minds and brave hearts, what does that mean to you to

Kat: 00:29:43

grow into an adult to have a brilliant mind and a brave heart and what's that

Kat: 00:29:50

foundation to set them up towards that?

Tony: 00:29:53

Yeah, there's two parts to that.

Tony: 00:29:55

And I appreciate because before the show, you did send over some like

Tony: 00:29:58

some basis in terms of what we're going to talk about, which I love.

Tony: 00:30:01

And I should probably do that with my with the people that on my show.

Tony: 00:30:03

I don't I just let it wing and you know, you never know

Tony: 00:30:05

what's going to happen, right?

Tony: 00:30:06

But two things.

Tony: 00:30:08

My background and my foundation is stoicism.

Tony: 00:30:11

And from my PhD, it's always stoic philosophy and stoicism

Tony: 00:30:14

is courage and discipline.

Tony: 00:30:16

One.

Tony: 00:30:16

And justice and wisdom.

Tony: 00:30:17

Those are the four pillars that I've that I set and that I set for my

Tony: 00:30:22

daughter to when we're growing up.

Tony: 00:30:24

You also you asked a question, and I think this is what you're

Tony: 00:30:26

referring to in your question.

Tony: 00:30:27

You asked was, uh, what can parents do to nurture creativity?

Tony: 00:30:32

I think this is like one of the most important questions, uh, and in the thing

Tony: 00:30:36

is, I think a lot of parents, a lot of parents are so involved in the now and

Tony: 00:30:40

so involved in the crisis and reaction that they don't, they're not proactive on

Tony: 00:30:45

these things in terms of setting them up.

Tony: 00:30:47

So the first thing is, First thing is easy.

Tony: 00:30:49

It's just model the behavior, model the behavior, model,

Tony: 00:30:53

discipline, model, courage, model, be consistent, you know, anything.

Tony: 00:30:58

The funny thing is, you know, a lot of parents think, Oh, you know, I, you know,

Tony: 00:31:00

do as I say, not as I do type of a thing, uh, they do, you know, they do something.

Tony: 00:31:06

Kids are total sponges.

Tony: 00:31:08

And they, not just consciously, but subconsciously, and they'll

Tony: 00:31:12

pick up on every single thing.

Tony: 00:31:14

And if they keep picking up on the parent being, you know, out

Tony: 00:31:18

of integrity, what, what kind of modeling is that for the kids?

Tony: 00:31:22

And so model behavior, it's really important.

Tony: 00:31:24

And it'll make you a better person too, because it'll keep you on track.

Tony: 00:31:28

It's like, you know, it's just like self checking yourself.

Tony: 00:31:31

The second thing is create tangible boundaries that allow

Tony: 00:31:35

room for self expression.

Tony: 00:31:37

So create boundaries.

Tony: 00:31:38

It could, again, the best friend thing and letting them run the household

Tony: 00:31:41

is a terrible idea because they're just not, they're not set for it.

Tony: 00:31:44

Plus kids, as much as they hate it.

Tony: 00:31:46

Like they'll tell you they hate it.

Tony: 00:31:47

They love boundaries because they know if they know and there's

Tony: 00:31:51

not a level of insecurity.

Tony: 00:31:54

There's not a level of fear of not of like what's gonna happen if there's a

Tony: 00:31:57

safety net there that they know that they can play in like the bounce house.

Tony: 00:32:02

All the four walls are there.

Tony: 00:32:03

They know that they're there.

Tony: 00:32:04

Then they're that as much as they'll whine about it.

Tony: 00:32:08

It's a good thing for them.

Tony: 00:32:10

But in that context, I always told my daughter.

Tony: 00:32:12

Yeah.

Tony: 00:32:13

And everybody in my family, and this is where we had a big blowout with the

Tony: 00:32:16

family, because they thought I gave her way too much room for self expression.

Tony: 00:32:21

And I said, yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Tony: 00:32:23

Because we still have our agreement that there's levels of respect.

Tony: 00:32:28

I'm still the dad.

Tony: 00:32:29

I'm not the buddy and you've got to respect that.

Tony: 00:32:32

And if you do step over the line, which she did, then, uh, you,

Tony: 00:32:37

then there's consequences to that.

Tony: 00:32:39

But the key is, is that in order for anything to happen from a

Tony: 00:32:42

creativity standpoint, you've got to give them enough rope.

Tony: 00:32:45

You have to, it can't be a super small bubble to live in because they'll never

Tony: 00:32:50

be able, they'll never trust themselves in that because they don't have the room

Tony: 00:32:53

to trust themselves and it'll just be, it'll end up being, you know, something

Tony: 00:32:58

that it'll fester within them and then they'll have to go to therapy and believe

Tony: 00:33:01

me, that's, you know, that's super fun.

Tony: 00:33:04

The next thing is to prioritize being present.

Tony: 00:33:07

With your child.

Tony: 00:33:08

And that's the thing my grandfather and grandmother did.

Tony: 00:33:10

And the thing that I do, I try to do as much as I can.

Tony: 00:33:13

Be present with them.

Tony: 00:33:15

Put the stupid phone down.

Tony: 00:33:17

Uh, play UNO for the 27th time.

Tony: 00:33:21

Yeah.

Tony: 00:33:21

Right?

Tony: 00:33:22

Which I did this morning because my granddaughter slept over.

Tony: 00:33:24

She had a sleepover last night.

Tony: 00:33:26

Uh, you know, be, be present, right?

Tony: 00:33:28

Uh, color the picture with them.

Tony: 00:33:31

Right?

Tony: 00:33:32

Sing the song with them.

Tony: 00:33:33

Be present is really important.

Tony: 00:33:36

Encourage critical thinking and problem solving through

Tony: 00:33:39

asking questions with the kids.

Tony: 00:33:42

The study in a lot of the confidence books that I read in terms of the

Tony: 00:33:46

basis of my education, there's, there's a study that one of the greatest

Tony: 00:33:51

confidence creators in children is to ask them to teach you something.

Tony: 00:33:57

Oh,

Kat: 00:33:58

so

Tony: 00:33:58

good.

Tony: 00:33:59

Ask them to teach you something.

Tony: 00:34:00

I bet, I mean, I don't know if you've done that personally, uh, Kat, with

Tony: 00:34:03

any of your clients or something, but it, it, that's a, that's a good, I

Tony: 00:34:05

know a lot of teachers use that, too.

Tony: 00:34:07

It's kind of that whole thing where, okay, say it back to me type of a thing.

Tony: 00:34:11

You know, just kind of repeat it and see if they, and then they teach

Tony: 00:34:13

you something and, oh, okay, great.

Tony: 00:34:15

But that's so powerful.

Tony: 00:34:16

Those are the things, um, oh, and then the last thing is, uh, embrace failure

Tony: 00:34:20

as a really, really important learning.

Tony: 00:34:24

And expansive tool failure is not a bad thing.

Tony: 00:34:29

It's the way that you learn.

Tony: 00:34:31

It's the way that you grow.

Tony: 00:34:33

It shows that you're taking steps because if you don't take steps,

Tony: 00:34:37

then you're not going to fail.

Tony: 00:34:38

If you don't fail, you don't take it.

Tony: 00:34:39

You know, it's just so those are the things that I would say to nurture,

Tony: 00:34:43

um, very art, you know, the art, the artistic and expressive nature and

Tony: 00:34:47

Children and to allow them to develop into their own person, which isn't

Tony: 00:34:51

that our job in the first place?

Tony: 00:34:52

Mhm.

Tony: 00:34:53

You know, that those are the steps that I would say to take.

Lee: 00:34:56

Yeah.

Lee: 00:34:56

And that's so many, so many different questions and statements going up to

Lee: 00:35:01

my head because there's, there's so much in just those, those few points.

Lee: 00:35:05

But I think the bubble, you know, if you keep too tight of a leash, just

Lee: 00:35:10

being in higher education for the last 20 years, when they get that freedom,

Lee: 00:35:16

they get that chance to just be on their own, whoo, the decisions that are

Lee: 00:35:20

made because they just haven't had any.

Lee: 00:35:23

Any freedom at all.

Lee: 00:35:24

So then they just run until they hit a wall, you know, and then have to learn

Lee: 00:35:29

about those boundaries and then on the other side to where they just run and

Lee: 00:35:33

run and run and run and run and run, you know, the mom and dad aren't going to be

Lee: 00:35:37

the ones necessary to pull on the rope.

Lee: 00:35:39

But somebody in the community is going to have to, and that usually is a harder

Lee: 00:35:43

yank than what mom and dad will do.

Lee: 00:35:46

Tougher lesson.

Lee: 00:35:47

Yeah.

Lee: 00:35:47

Yeah.

Lee: 00:35:48

Yeah.

Tony: 00:35:48

There's so, yeah.

Tony: 00:35:50

So I love, I love those statements of what you just said.

Tony: 00:35:51

Go ahead.

Tony: 00:35:52

It's funny you brought that up because my first year as a freshman, I was a,

Tony: 00:35:55

I graduated seven out of 800 people.

Tony: 00:35:57

Right.

Tony: 00:35:58

I was like 3.

Tony: 00:35:59

96, whatever.

Tony: 00:36:01

And, uh, and got into Cal State Fullerton is where I went.

Tony: 00:36:04

I was going to be an engineer.

Tony: 00:36:05

I was there.

Tony: 00:36:05

I was an engineer for three weeks, but that's another story.

Tony: 00:36:08

And then

Kat: 00:36:08

finance and then psychology.

Tony: 00:36:10

Yeah.

Tony: 00:36:10

And then, oh yeah.

Tony: 00:36:11

And then biology.

Tony: 00:36:12

And I mean, I did like eight different majors.

Tony: 00:36:14

It was ridiculous.

Tony: 00:36:15

So I ended up, uh, ended up getting there.

Tony: 00:36:17

It took, you know, 15 units of typical, you know, whatever

Tony: 00:36:20

workload, not a big deal.

Tony: 00:36:21

You know, chemistry, because I love that stuff and I was really good at it.

Tony: 00:36:24

Right.

Tony: 00:36:25

So of course, just like you said, you know, getting into a university,

Tony: 00:36:29

getting there, absolutely imploded.

Tony: 00:36:31

First of all, joined a fraternity, worst mistake ever.

Tony: 00:36:35

Uh, had all those classes, had, had to dump the lab, like eight and a

Tony: 00:36:39

half minutes into my college career.

Tony: 00:36:41

Cause there's no way I'm showing up for the lab.

Tony: 00:36:43

Right.

Tony: 00:36:44

And then, uh, and then ultimately I got, uh, I, I dropped classes.

Tony: 00:36:47

I got a C and a D I'd never gotten anything less than a B.

Tony: 00:36:50

My life.

Tony: 00:36:52

. Kat: Yeah.

Tony: 00:36:52

And then, and you know why?

Tony: 00:36:53

Because the exact thing you just said, that's why, 'cause I was such a tight

Tony: 00:36:57

little bubble that I got out there.

Tony: 00:36:59

I was like, woo-hoo.

Tony: 00:37:00

Right Party time.

Tony: 00:37:02

I mean, I didn't even like beer until like 20 minutes into

Tony: 00:37:05

stepping into the fraternity.

Tony: 00:37:07

And then you don't have a choice, right?

Tony: 00:37:10

They, they hand you a beer bong and that's like the rest of your semester.

Tony: 00:37:13

So, uh, and so I completely agree with that and I bet you see that a lot.

Lee: 00:37:19

Yeah, yeah, it is, it's, it is a parent's responsibility, but also in

Lee: 00:37:23

the society that we live in, there's so many messages that are going out there

Lee: 00:37:26

in social media and TV, you know, what's the right thing to do as a parent, what's

Lee: 00:37:29

the wrong thing to do as a parent, but you really, like your point where you

Lee: 00:37:33

have to know your child, you have to know what they need to really get those

Lee: 00:37:38

boundaries set for themselves and not, not be, you know, Uh, a dictator over it, uh,

Lee: 00:37:43

but also not be the, you know, foo foo, tree huggin Like, just completely free

Tony: 00:37:50

end of things, you know?

Tony: 00:37:52

That balance.

Tony: 00:37:53

Exactly.

Tony: 00:37:54

And it's not impossible.

Tony: 00:37:55

The, the balance is not impossible.

Tony: 00:37:56

And the way you know your, your child is to, is to be present with a child

Tony: 00:38:00

and ask questions of the child, because not all kids, every kid's different,

Tony: 00:38:03

as you know, because you, you know, you work with kids, every kid's different.

Tony: 00:38:07

And, you know, they respond to different things.

Tony: 00:38:08

They stimulate, stimulate to different things.

Tony: 00:38:11

They, you know, some things it just, so you have to learn about your kid.

Tony: 00:38:16

And I got to tell you, and I've told my daughter this too.

Tony: 00:38:18

I said, you know, nowadays, I think parents have it a lot tougher.

Tony: 00:38:22

Now they really do.

Tony: 00:38:23

I mean, I, I brought Rach up in the pre internet stuff.

Tony: 00:38:27

All that stuff was just kind of coming in.

Tony: 00:38:29

I mean, shoot, I didn't even get a computer till I was in my late twenties.

Tony: 00:38:33

So, uh, and used a pager, you know, so, uh, nowadays with social media and.

Tony: 00:38:39

It's crazy because kids minds are very impressionable and they, more so

Tony: 00:38:45

now than ever, they need balance and guidance and structure and, uh, you

Tony: 00:38:51

know, expectations, like, realistic, and, uh, so, and that's the parent's job.

Lee: 00:38:57

One thing I do appreciate with, at least with.

Lee: 00:39:00

My brother and sisters, they, they collect cell phones at the end of the

Lee: 00:39:03

night so they can kind of like go through a scan and make sure how, how wild, you

Lee: 00:39:08

know, things are getting and whatnot.

Lee: 00:39:09

And then the kids also know that that's coming.

Lee: 00:39:11

So then they kind of restrict themselves.

Lee: 00:39:14

Or they delete it.

Lee: 00:39:16

Yeah.

Lee: 00:39:17

True.

Lee: 00:39:17

Yeah.

Lee: 00:39:18

But then, you know, there, there is that trust though that's built up where,

Lee: 00:39:21

like, I know I'm going to get into certain trouble if I go too far with

Lee: 00:39:24

this research or I start going down this rabbit hole of whatever it is.

Lee: 00:39:29

Um, when you're working with.

Lee: 00:39:32

Uh, what women specifically, that can be a danger that opens up a lot of different

Lee: 00:39:37

worlds, you know, how, how do you, how do you kind of navigate that with.

Lee: 00:39:42

With the women that you're working with, or even maybe it's with your, you know,

Lee: 00:39:45

with your daughter, with your grandkids.

Tony: 00:39:47

Uh, you mean in terms of like creating the expectations or, or,

Tony: 00:39:50

uh, Yeah, and creating like kind of self guidance, self regulation.

Tony: 00:39:56

Yeah, that's, that's it, right?

Tony: 00:39:57

I mean, that's the huge thing, especially nowadays, because the, as much as it has

Tony: 00:40:02

been in the past to where And I won't get into the whole thing about different power

Tony: 00:40:06

plays and people making decisions for you and really downplaying your opinions

Tony: 00:40:12

and saying, no, we know what's right.

Tony: 00:40:14

And, you know, that kind of stuff.

Tony: 00:40:15

But creating a level of independence and autonomy within the kid is just

Tony: 00:40:20

about empowering them to be them.

Tony: 00:40:23

And that's true confidence.

Tony: 00:40:24

True confidence is not about being competent about stuff

Tony: 00:40:27

and knowing everything.

Tony: 00:40:28

God, no.

Tony: 00:40:28

You know, nobody knows everything, right?

Tony: 00:40:30

But, you know, people think that they have to.

Tony: 00:40:31

It's about just being cool with yourself and your foundation

Tony: 00:40:36

and accepting it warts and all.

Tony: 00:40:39

And it, and the best thing and the gift you can give anybody and kids and, and

Tony: 00:40:44

the reason why I do what I do and I talk to my clients all the time is because

Tony: 00:40:48

that's the one thing I want to give them.

Tony: 00:40:50

I want to give them what I already see in them that they don't see in themselves.

Kat: 00:40:53

Yeah.

Kat: 00:40:54

Yeah.

Tony: 00:40:55

Is the fact that they have this power.

Tony: 00:40:57

It's incredible.

Kat: 00:40:58

Absolutely.

Kat: 00:40:59

I love that you're talking about like the self regulation.

Kat: 00:41:03

I really tie it back to like piano I, I keep going back to when you're

Kat: 00:41:08

learning to play an instrument.

Kat: 00:41:10

It's one of the very, you know, unless you're in a band, but even

Kat: 00:41:14

when you're in a band, right?

Kat: 00:41:15

You still have to learn things on your own, alone, right?

Kat: 00:41:18

It's very different than dance.

Kat: 00:41:20

Usually dance, you go to a dance studio, you're with friends.

Kat: 00:41:23

Sports team, you go to, you know, sports and you practice your

Kat: 00:41:27

sport with a bunch of people.

Kat: 00:41:29

Drama club, the same thing.

Kat: 00:41:30

You have to, you have to run lines with other people.

Kat: 00:41:33

There's always someone there with you, usually.

Kat: 00:41:35

And we play a musical instrument.

Kat: 00:41:38

You have to sit down by yourself and to just do it by yourself.

Kat: 00:41:42

No one's keeping you accountable.

Kat: 00:41:43

No one's, you know, when you make a mistake, no one's telling you what to do.

Kat: 00:41:46

Like, it's almost like you have to learn how to practice by yourself.

Kat: 00:41:51

And that's a level of self regulation that I feel like I got

Kat: 00:41:55

as a child that I didn't know.

Kat: 00:41:57

And as an adult, I realized, oh my gosh, the hours I was It's putting

Kat: 00:42:01

sitting on a piano bench actually taught me what it means to like self

Kat: 00:42:04

regulate self discipline myself.

Tony: 00:42:08

Yeah.

Tony: 00:42:09

That's, isn't that huge?

Tony: 00:42:10

That's huge.

Kat: 00:42:10

It's huge.

Kat: 00:42:11

Yeah.

Tony: 00:42:12

What a tool to be taught without even understanding really what you

Tony: 00:42:14

were being taught, but that is so true.

Tony: 00:42:16

And it's, it's something that I don't think.

Tony: 00:42:19

Is as widespread as it used to be, because we're in this three second and then move

Tony: 00:42:25

on to the next thing environment now, instead of putting the time in creating

Tony: 00:42:30

a foundational, you know, process within yourself and, you know, like I like I say

Tony: 00:42:35

with my clients when they have an issue.

Tony: 00:42:39

And they come into me.

Tony: 00:42:40

It's not about it's not about saving the world.

Tony: 00:42:43

It's about taking a piece of that, like a small piece and learning

Tony: 00:42:47

how to work through creating a solution to the small piece.

Tony: 00:42:51

It's taking that small step to create a foundation and a plan to move on

Tony: 00:42:56

to something else and and sitting there and learning how to practice and

Tony: 00:43:01

learning how to maybe be frustrated.

Tony: 00:43:03

God knows you see the you.

Tony: 00:43:05

frustrates the heck out of me, right?

Tony: 00:43:07

But learning that that's part of the process and then being okay with it,

Tony: 00:43:11

especially for a perfectionist, I mean, is such a huge asset to have because

Tony: 00:43:16

that translates into any other thing you can do in terms of expanding your

Tony: 00:43:20

life in terms of relationships or career or, you know, building a car in your

Tony: 00:43:26

garage or whatever the case may be.

Tony: 00:43:29

That's a core foundational learning.

Tony: 00:43:33

And that's why that and again, another reason why music is awesome and learning

Tony: 00:43:37

and learning an instrument is amazing.

Kat: 00:43:40

Yeah, absolutely.

Kat: 00:43:42

How do you think can, aside from, you know, all of the other

Kat: 00:43:45

things, uh, when it comes to.

Kat: 00:43:48

Music and, uh, kind of like teaching kids leadership values.

Kat: 00:43:52

Um, what is another thing that comes to your mind when it comes to instilling

Kat: 00:43:56

that into kids through creativity, maybe not just music, but through

Kat: 00:44:00

creativity in general, you know, um, another leadership value that you feel

Kat: 00:44:03

is so important as an adult that can be instilled, uh, into a child's life at a

Kat: 00:44:08

young age through creativity and music.

Tony: 00:44:11

Self accountability, because I, especially, especially with music,

Tony: 00:44:14

like you just said, practicing, you know, if you say, listen.

Tony: 00:44:18

In order to get to a certain point, this is the sacrifice that you have to make.

Tony: 00:44:22

And how many times have you heard, in fact, I heard Elton John say this.

Tony: 00:44:25

He said, you know, I wanted to be the guy out there playing after school.

Tony: 00:44:29

Outside.

Tony: 00:44:30

Outside playing.

Tony: 00:44:31

Like with all the other kids.

Tony: 00:44:33

He goes, but, you know, my mom or I think it was his aunt or somebody that

Tony: 00:44:37

he said, no, but I, I had my studies.

Tony: 00:44:39

I had my Piano teachings and, you know, going through that, he

Tony: 00:44:43

goes, you know, now look back.

Tony: 00:44:45

It's like, obviously, it's awesome because the guy's amazing.

Tony: 00:44:48

Right.

Tony: 00:44:48

But he said at the time, he didn't realize that that's what he was being taught.

Tony: 00:44:53

He was being taught a level of accountability in terms of doing

Tony: 00:44:57

something that you committed to and following through.

Tony: 00:45:00

How huge is that, especially nowadays?

Kat: 00:45:02

Yeah.

Kat: 00:45:03

Yeah.

Kat: 00:45:04

Amazing.

Kat: 00:45:05

Well, Tony, this is so wonderful.

Kat: 00:45:07

Just talking to you about all these things.

Kat: 00:45:09

I know we could go on and on and on and on and on and on.

Tony: 00:45:13

Don't get us starting to talk about music or Pepperdine

Tony: 00:45:16

because forget about it, man.

Tony: 00:45:17

This will be like a 10 hour show.

Kat: 00:45:21

Um, but if you were to kind of leave our audience with, uh, your idea of a

Kat: 00:45:27

wildly wealthy life, What would that be?

Tony: 00:45:30

I'm glad you got to this because I, I, yeah, I made some notes because I, I

Tony: 00:45:33

love the name, the wildly wealthy life.

Tony: 00:45:36

I just love that.

Tony: 00:45:37

And this is a guy I'm pointing to myself for you people who are listening

Tony: 00:45:42

without seeing that uh, that money was everything to me because we, we

Tony: 00:45:47

were brought up with not having a lot.

Tony: 00:45:48

And so the whole focus of my family was, you know, not having a lot of money.

Tony: 00:45:53

That was that defined everything about us and me and my mindset.

Tony: 00:45:58

So it took a lot to get out of that, like a lot, a lot.

Tony: 00:46:01

And of course, it was my daughter, you know, talk about, you know, pivotal, they

Tony: 00:46:04

call them nodal events in psychology.

Tony: 00:46:06

Nodal events are those things that are like, Completely change your life, like

Tony: 00:46:10

maybe not instantaneously, but definitely set you on a totally different path and

Tony: 00:46:14

where you were and, you know, and that she did that for me and bringing her up.

Tony: 00:46:20

So the wildly wealthy life, of course, you hear it from a lot of

Tony: 00:46:22

people and it is what it is, right?

Tony: 00:46:25

But the wealthy has zero to do with money.

Tony: 00:46:29

You know, the, the, the money is a part of it, but the overall definition and

Tony: 00:46:33

the concept is nothing to do with money.

Tony: 00:46:35

It has to do with enrichment.

Tony: 00:46:37

It has do with the joy.

Tony: 00:46:39

It has to do with really figuring out why the heck that you're

Tony: 00:46:41

here or why you want to be here.

Tony: 00:46:44

And for me, the wildly wealthy life is a life unfolding in

Tony: 00:46:48

alignment with my values.

Tony: 00:46:50

If I can, if I can align my values and my foundation, my, you know, my,

Tony: 00:46:54

my stoic value, you know, courage, discipline, justice, wisdom, you

Tony: 00:46:57

know, accountability, all that stuff.

Tony: 00:46:59

If I can align that with my actions consistently, which, hey,

Tony: 00:47:03

you know, I'm like anybody else.

Tony: 00:47:05

There's good days and bad days, right?

Tony: 00:47:06

I mean, the older you get, the easier it gets from what I've figured out.

Tony: 00:47:11

But the more I can do that, the, the more I feel in alignment and I feel as though

Tony: 00:47:16

not only does that benefit me, but then I'm modeling it to people around me.

Tony: 00:47:20

And I'm also that energy.

Tony: 00:47:23

Is expressed.

Tony: 00:47:24

And I think that energy is, is shown and it just creates more positive

Tony: 00:47:28

energy in the universe because.

Tony: 00:47:30

I believe in that stuff.

Tony: 00:47:32

The second thing is, is that my goals also align with my values.

Tony: 00:47:37

So if I have that and I'm aligned, then my goals that I'd set for

Tony: 00:47:40

myself and for my family are going to align with that as well.

Tony: 00:47:43

And, and almost take, almost pull me into the life that I want.

Tony: 00:47:50

And the life that is, you know, that is wealthy, it's a wealthy life.

Tony: 00:47:54

Um, a really important part about having a wildly wealthy life

Tony: 00:47:58

is having a supportive tribe.

Tony: 00:48:01

You cannot do anything on your own.

Tony: 00:48:04

You can't.

Tony: 00:48:05

I mean, you know, you really can't.

Tony: 00:48:08

You have, you've got to have some support.

Tony: 00:48:10

You've got to have that support.

Tony: 00:48:12

So I think a tribe is insanely important.

Tony: 00:48:15

And, uh, my family is my tribe.

Tony: 00:48:17

My tribe.

Tony: 00:48:18

You know, me and my, the little minions, all, all, all of us.

Tony: 00:48:21

And then, um, the last but not least, and this goes back to the old psychology, I'm

Tony: 00:48:25

a very, I'm a kind of a Maslow guy, the, the, you know, the hierarchy of needs.

Tony: 00:48:31

So it's giving and giving to me is understanding and being

Tony: 00:48:35

okay with all this inside now.

Tony: 00:48:37

And now I can give it out.

Tony: 00:48:39

And that's self actualization.

Tony: 00:48:41

That's the top of the pyramid.

Tony: 00:48:43

So if you can get to the point where you're cool and you're set and you're

Tony: 00:48:46

all good and you're not worried about your own stuff and, you know,

Tony: 00:48:49

blindsided by that and you can, you know, see through the clouds and help

Tony: 00:48:53

people out and share not only share tangible things, but share your energy.

Tony: 00:48:57

That's giving.

Tony: 00:48:59

And, you know, helping people out.

Tony: 00:49:00

And so that those are the things to me that are exemplify a wildly wealthy life.

Kat: 00:49:07

Wow.

Kat: 00:49:08

That was all amazing.

Kat: 00:49:09

so much.

Kat: 00:49:11

so much.

Kat: 00:49:13

We are so blessed to have you today.

Kat: 00:49:16

Um, thank you for gracing our podcast with your presence and, uh, I'm

Kat: 00:49:21

excited to share it with our audience.

Kat: 00:49:24

Yeah, we, we basically had this podcast, Tony, um, back in 2020, we were really

Kat: 00:49:29

talking about like financial freedom in the podcast before, but, but with a focus

Kat: 00:49:34

on financial freedom, actually being tied to intentional generosity, which

Kat: 00:49:38

is exactly what you just said, you know, at the very end there, which is really,

Kat: 00:49:41

it's all about giving of yourself, right?

Kat: 00:49:44

Because what, what does it do to you to have a worldly, wealthy

Kat: 00:49:47

life when you All yourself

Kat: 00:49:49

. Tony: Right, exactly.

Kat: 00:49:50

And those people are the most miserable, right?

Kat: 00:49:52

Yeah, absolutely.

Kat: 00:49:54

Um, yeah, so it's just incredible to kind of change the angle a little bit.

Kat: 00:49:57

And our angle now it's really talking about how can we instill early

Kat: 00:50:02

foundational values into our kids so that they can have a wildly wealthy life.

Tony: 00:50:06

I love it.

Tony: 00:50:07

I think it's a great idea for show.

Tony: 00:50:09

Yeah.

Tony: 00:50:09

Thank

Kat: 00:50:10

you so much.

Kat: 00:50:11

Yeah.

Kat: 00:50:12

Where can people find you?

Tony: 00:50:14

I have, uh, the confidence doc.

Tony: 00:50:16

com is the website.

Tony: 00:50:18

I've got a brand new masterclass out.

Tony: 00:50:20

It's an hour.

Tony: 00:50:21

It's a taped hour thing that I did.

Tony: 00:50:23

And it's basically like two sessions put into one and it's all about

Tony: 00:50:27

toxic relationships for women.

Tony: 00:50:29

It's about recognizing if you're in a toxic relationship or if you already

Tony: 00:50:33

know, which, you know, most women are insanely intuitive and they already

Tony: 00:50:35

know they're in a toxic relationship.

Tony: 00:50:37

It's about how to get out.

Tony: 00:50:39

It's about steps to take and able to get out.

Tony: 00:50:40

So I have that.

Tony: 00:50:41

And that's at the confidence doc dot store.

Tony: 00:50:43

S T O R E.

Kat: 00:50:45

Nice.

Kat: 00:50:46

Awesome.

Kat: 00:50:46

And we'll also put it in the show links for sure.

Tony: 00:50:48

Perfect.

Tony: 00:50:49

Yeah.

Tony: 00:50:49

So those are the only, those are the two places.

Tony: 00:50:51

Then I'm on, you know, I'm on my podcast and she talks confidence and, um, that's

Tony: 00:50:56

on YouTube and all the podcast platforms.

Tony: 00:50:59

Yep.

Kat: 00:50:59

Amazing.

Kat: 00:51:00

Well, thank you, Tony.

Tony: 00:51:01

Oh, thank you.

Tony: 00:51:02

This was great.

Kat: 00:51:04

All right, friends, that's a wrap on today's episode of Wildly Wealthy Life.

Kat: 00:51:08

We hope you're feeling fired up and ready to take on the world with

Kat: 00:51:11

your brilliant mind and brave heart.

Lee: 00:51:13

If you love this episode, make sure you hit that subscribe button on YouTube

Lee: 00:51:16

or your favorite podcast platform.

Lee: 00:51:17

It helps us keep bringing you the good stuff.

Kat: 00:51:19

And hey, while you're at it, drop us a rating or review.

Kat: 00:51:22

It takes like what?

Kat: 00:51:23

30 seconds and it makes a huge difference for us.

Lee: 00:51:26

Also, if you know someone who could use a little guidance on growth,

Lee: 00:51:29

mindset, leadership and creativity, share this episode with them.

Lee: 00:51:32

Sometimes that one conversation can spark up a whole new direction.

Kat: 00:51:35

Thanks for hanging out with us today.

Kat: 00:51:37

Go out there, live wildly, be wealthy in all the ways that matter to you.

Kat: 00:51:40

And we'll catch you on the next one.